Zee speech...
A few of you have asked me to post the speech that Rob and I gave at Pete's wedding.
Here you go!
L: Hi. I’m Lenore MacAdam. I have the honor tonight of being Peter’s Best Woman. Well, not counting Jane. I guess I’m actually Pete’s Second Best Woman.
R: And I’m Rob MacDougall. I suppose that makes me Third Best Woman. – Don’t laugh: the rest of you are all further down the list.
L: Between the two of us, Rob and I have known Peter for more than forty years - which is longer than either of us has been alive, so that’s a pretty good trick. What can we possibly say about Pete? How can we do justice to what a terrific guy he is, what a valuable friend, and how much he means to us, all in the space of one short toast? (We want to keep it short because, as you all know, Peter hates to be the center of attention.)
R: Lenore and I decided that the only way we could really do justice to Pete and Jane and our feelings for them both was to read to you from the Scripture.
L: And when Rob says “the Scripture,” he means, “the screenplay to the 1986 film, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”
R: That’s right. Written and directed by John Hughes, featuring Jeffrey Jones as Principal Ed Rooney, and Edie McClurg as Grace. Lenore?
L: [reads] “Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.”
R: Pete, you see, has always been our Ferris Bueller. It’s true. In grade school, in junior high, in high school, university, and ever since: everybody loves Pete. Everybody has always loved Pete. From Moms and teachers to bloods and wastoids. Everybody adores him. The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks – it’s nice to see so many of you here tonight – the sluts … - just like Lenore said: everybody knows he’s a righteous dude.
L: And why shouldn’t everybody love him?
Peter is the most unique mixture of personalities and eccentricities that I’ve ever met. This is a guy who at the age of 13, would walk into our classroom and say “Hi honey I’m home!”. Throughout high school, Peter wore incredibly odd clothes, wore big earrings, and was one of the brainiest students in his school (well, other than this one [Rob] here). How did the students at Parkside High treat this oddball? (because we all know how kind teenagers are to incredibly smart guys who dress in bizarrely different ways) Well, he had to suffer the indignity of being voted Student Council President, was forced to ensure a string of girlfriends, and was probably one of the most popular kids in school – heading up what was then referred to as the “get-a-long gang”. Peter defied all social logic.
He didn’t change much in university – I’ll never forget my first sight of Peter when he got to Queens (I had started a year earlier) – he was rollerblading across Leonard Field, using ski poles, long hair flowing in the wind, wearing leopard skin tights and a bright purple shirt. Peter had arrived.
And wow did he arrive. As editor of a school newspaper and president of the Con-Ed Student Association, Peter was popular. Of course, to be fair, most people knew him as that “long-haired guy with the phrase ‘I’m gonna teach your kids someday’ painted on the back of his school jacket. And, as the only man to be majoring in women’s studies, Peter was well on his way to earning the dubious distinction of becoming “the last stop on the road to lesbianism”
Seriously though, if I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard “I REALLY like your friend Peter’, I’d be able to pay for Peter’s lifelong dream of wallpapering his entire house in fun fur.
R: I have been in absolute awe of Peter for twenty years. I tease him, but really he’s my idol. He’s so quick, so funny, so goofy. And at the same time he’s so totally immune from meanness or pettiness or pretension. He’s like the Buddha, only in zooba pants and a mullet. Well – he eventually cut off the mullet. But for twenty years, I’ve known that if I wanted to be at the center of things – if I wanted to be where people were laughing and happy and having a good time – all I had to do was stick close to Peter Stuart. And I did. I followed him around from grade school to high school to university. I studied him. For a while, I copied the way he dressed – boy, that was a mistake. And I lived with him, at Queen’s, for four years of university.
L: And when Rob says, “four” years of university, he means “six” years of university. — Actually, both Rob and I (along with Terry Maguire, who’s also here tonight) had the great pleasure of living with Pete in university at Queen’s.
R: And when Lenore says, the “great pleasure” of living with Pete, she means – well, let’s put it this way. There’s an old saying about genius: “There is no ‘off’ position on the genius switch.” I don’t know if what Pete has is genius. What I do know is, he cannot turn it off. -- Some of you know what I’m talking about. Jane knows. I’ll bet Sean’s wife Susan and Jeff’s wife Connie know what I’m talking about, too. Pete’s mom [Heather? Helen?] knows. I’m talking about the Stuart family “wit.”
L: The Stuart family “wit” – if that’s what you want to call it – cannot be turned off. Nobody comes within twenty miles of Peter or his family without getting a goofy nickname. Nobody escapes without having their ego punctured and deflated. (Gently punctured, but punctured all the same.) No question can be asked in the Stuart household, no matter how serious, without somebody making a snappy retort.
R: And when Lenore says “a snappy retort”, she means “a line from The Simpsons, or George Carlin, or some bumper sticker Pete happened to see in 1982.” - Some of Pete’s “zingers” are older than he is. Actually, many of his stupid catchphrases are among my oldest friends.
L: And some of Pete’s favorite catchphrases aren’t even words: Before the ceremony tonight, we were taking bets on whether, when Pete & Jane made their wedding vows, he was going to say “I do” or “I chicker.”
R: To live with Peter for any length of time is to be immersed in this hilarity constantly. To be buffeted by the never ending, never ceasing, never silenced torrent of Peter’s wit.
After a few months of this, a curious thing happens. After a few months, Peter – who is so lovable, so fun, so easy and entertaining to be around – begins to grow… ever so slightly… irritating.
L: And when Rob says “irritating” he means, “you begin to go stark raving mad.” Eventually, you cannot take it any more. You fall on your knees and beg – beg! – for a rest from his hilarity. You plead for just one day – one hour – one blessed minute – for Pete to stop… being… Pete. … We call this moment of existential crisis “the Peter Wall.”
R: But- if you have the patience and the perseverance of a saint – or, if you are locked into your lease – then you may just pass through the Peter Wall. You see, just when you think you can take no more, something in your mind snaps – and you emerge on the other side. Stripped of ego. Stripped of conceit. Stripped of all desire and ability to resist or retort. It’s like Zen enlightenment – or brainwashing. And once you’ve passed through the Wall, Peter is once again delightful. Sweet and generous and endlessly funny. And all those words that come out of his mouth just wash over you, like ambient music, or the weather.
L: Not everybody can pass through the Peter Wall.
R: That’s true. I had a girlfriend once that couldn’t do it. … She had to go.
L: And Peter has had one or two girlfriends of his own over the years.
R: And when Lenore says “one or two”, she means… [trail off]
L: We’ve noticed, over the years, that the length of time it takes to reach the Peter Wall corresponds pretty closely with the length of many of Peter’s relationships. Which is why, when Jane came into Pete’s life, and the two of them fell in love – it was very interesting – and a little suspenseful – to watch Pete and Jane approach this point.
R: We were all rooting for her, of course. It was obvious from the very start how fantastic Jane was – fantastic on her own and fantastic for Pete. She is exactly the ideal woman we would have imagined for him, except that we wouldn’t have had the imagination to come up with her. Jane was so smart and sweet and beautiful and good-natured and mellow--
L: We gave her six weeks, tops.
R: Ah, but we didn’t really know Jane then. I’ll bet those who did know her better would have taken that bet. Because while Pete is a sweet, soft, sensitive guy trapped in the body of a yammering buffoon, Jane is the opposite. That doesn’t sound very flattering, but hear me out. What I mean is: on the outside, Jane is this sweet sunshiny hippy chick flower child, a lover of dumb animals, a shepherd to small sticky children. But inside, she is hard core. She is tough. She is tempered steel. … So, what happens when the irresistible force – that’s Jane – meets the immovable object – that’s Pete ?
L: Well, you’re looking at it. And it’s something wonderful. Because Jane hasn’t just passed through the Peter Wall – I think she might just have shattered it. The Wall has come down. She’s like Gorbachev, or Roger Waters. - It’s so great to see Peter with Jane now. He’s still a big goof, but I think it’s obvious he’s more centered, he’s happier, he’s more confident, he’s doing things and going places. He’s getting up at 11 in the morning instead of 3 in the afternoon.
R: We’re not saying Jane has reformed our Pete – he is, happily, beyond reform. But she’s obviously made him so happy. And she’s made him more “Pete” – more of what we love – she’s made him, in other words, an even more righteous dude.
L: And when we say this, we mean it: Congratulations, Pete and Jane. We are so glad you found each other. We love you both, and we wish you years and years of laughter and happiness and every good thing.
R: Please join us in one more toast:
L&R: To the bride and groom.
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